Mad Love

Monday

My move is happening this week, and I'm taking these last few days in my neighborhood to soak it all in. True, I will only be a few miles away, but realistically I will not drive over here and search for parking so I can go on my favorite walks or grab a latte at my favorite coffee shop. At least not very often.

Today was such a beautiful morning. Sunny, bright and crisp! I took a nice long walk through the hills and made plenty of stops to close my eyes, breathe deeply and take it all in. It was a frosty morning, so it was refreshing and relaxing to hear the gentle crunch under my feet with each step, hear the birds chirping and the rumblings of the city in the distance. Usually when I go for walks, I listen to my iPod, but today I wanted to be extra present and it was really nice. Then I had a coffee date with my husband at our favorite little shop. What a nice day! I am loving all this Portland winter sunshine.

Tonight I'm teaching vinyasa at Pearl 24 at 7:30pm, and I have a fun new playlist! Join if you can :)

ch-ch-changes

My husband and I have been wanting to move for at least three years now. We live in a very lively section of downtown Portland, Oregon and dislike it for several reasons. Parking is a nightmare, it's loud (between all the people on the street, the major league soccer stadium next door and sometimes obnoxious neighbors) and it just never really felt like home to me. He already lived in the apartment when I moved here from Virginia, so I just moved in with him. The place itself is fine, it's just the fact that we didn't choose and create it together that has always bothered me. Also, silly things bothered me like the couch (it's not deep enough and therefore it is uncomfortable because my long legs hang off of it when I lay down). Side note about the couch: I told my aunt the other day that I had to twist myself up like a pretzel in order to fit on it comfortably and she said, where there is one good thing about that- you can twist yourself up like a pretzel so it shouldn't be much of a problem. Oh, the good old flip of perspective.

We vowed recently that we would move before MLS games started again for the season. After talking about moving for so long, I took my own vow with a grain of salt. I looked at a couple places and was unimpressed. Most of the places on Craigslist were available immediately and we couldn't afford to pay rent for two places for a whole month, and the one place I found that worked with our time frame was outrageously priced and I didn't even like it. My search left me feeling discouraged and defeated.

Then I remembered that we had some friends who lived in an apartment that we loved a couple years ago. As soon as we walked into their apartment, we both loved it and wished we lived there. I called the place and got some info and decided to go view it on my own without my husband. One thing about me, I am a bit of a 'screener'. Of course my husband needs to be happy as well, but if I don't like the place there's no point in him even seeing it. So again, with a grain of salt I went to see the place. I loved it right away. It had almost everything on our 'want list' and I easily pictured myself living there. After he got off work, I scooped him up, took him to see the place and within minutes we were filling out paperwork to move. I was happy, but immediately felt this sense of panic wash over me. Moving is expensive, our current apartment has been my home for four years, it was the place we came home to after our wedding, my friends and family have been to visit, it's just been all I've known for so long that moving makes me feel anxious. Another thing about me, I'm an instant gratification type of girl. I wish we could have started moving right away, but we had three weeks (which is now down to eight days) to wait.

The process of moving has been weighing heavy on me. I found out there was a wait list for one bedrooms in our building. That made me wonder if we were making the right decision. I thought to myself, "If our apartment is in such high demand maybe it's not so bad after all and we should just stay?". Another couple who has been sharing a studio in our building came to look at it. I liked their energy and wanted them to take our places in our little love nest. They didn't. Then another guy came to check it out. He was okay. Here's another thing about me- I obsessively read the energy of other people. I can't help it. Not only the energy of other people, but the energy of spaces I'm in too. I didn't think his energy was right for the space, but who am I to tell him that? Plus, why do I even care? That's another story for another day. I think he decided to take it, we haven't been asked to show the apartment again.

A few days ago, I started packing. That picture of boxes above has doubled in size since I took that photo and it's stressing me out. The space is small and the energy in there is all over the place. Plus, I knocked our lamp over and broke it so now we have no light in the living room until we move. Everything is so scattered and I am having a really hard time. I can't wait to be in the new space, but to be honest, in this moment I am feeling far more stressed out than excited. My husband is very calm and I can't understand it. I have a weaker constitution than he does and I easily get knocked out of balance.

Another decision we've made is to finally take the plunge and buy new furniture. I've never owned new furniture and neither has my husband. Yesterday we picked out our new couch and coffee table and let me just say that the couch is everything I could ever want, and the coffee table is to die for. There is no way I won't be comfortable in my new living room. As soon as I saw it I visualized myself curled up under a blanket with a glass of wine in my hand and my feet propped up. Not a bad visualization! After that big purchase, I dropped my husband off at work. As soon as I was alone in the car I screamed. And then I cried. While all of these changes are for the better, they are still big changes and I'm having a difficult time processing them all at once. God bless my husband for staying so calm in the midst of this storm. If he were freaking out too, I would really be losing my shit.

On top of all of this, I have been following a gluten free/dairy free diet since September and with everything up in the air, I am craving foods that are familiar to me, but that don't make me feel good.

I think it's safe to say that I am feeling overwhelmed. I feel the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders and I need it to stop. The move is coming up very soon, and for that I am grateful, but with the move comes all sorts of things like getting rid of things, unpacking, possibly painting, changing our address and all of our utilities, etc. I need the move to happen now. You'd think a yoga girl would be more patient. In some ways I am, but this way is not one of them. Also, we have a wonderful mountain vacation planned with some of our best friends next month, but that's now also starting to stress me out because when we planned it, we didn't know we would be moving. 10 days after we move, we are leaving for five days.

When I am feeling this way, I do things to make myself feel better. I run, I practice yoga, I bust my ass on the stairmaster, I go snowboarding, I close my eyes and breathe, I teach yoga, I have coffee with a friend, I allow myself more wiggle room with diet and exercise without abandoning either, etc. But I feel that all of those things are only temporary escapes and all the things that stress me out are waiting for me as soon as I return.

The good news is that I know this feeling will not last forever. There is an end point. In my yoga practice, when I'm holding something longer than I want to, I make the choice to embrace the pose, soften my rigid mind and watch my breath. If it gets really intense, I remind myself with each breath in and each breath out that this is not forever. One of my teachers told me last night that there is a difference between pain and discomfort. When something is painful, you come out of it. But when something is uncomfortable, wrap yourself around your breath and breathe through it. Learn the difference. There will be many uncomfortable moments both on your mat and in your life. Chill out and learn to embrace them. It is my intention to treat this challenging time in my life the same way I treat a challenging pose on my mat.

Namaste, y'all ;)